Lust A Prima Vista

Sun, 18 Sep 2005 01:15:31 GMT

It was this rainy day depression that brought me to these conclusions. That all that matters to me is that I will find the next link in the chain to make me see tomorrow. Lately, I’ve been feeling as if I should interrupt this pattern of pill by pill pressures and add a few more to the dose. Enough to drown myself in the shallowness I’ve been fighting to swim in. This used to be so much easier months before. My head is out of control and I am sick of feeling like I am on center stage. These questions you ask are becoming monotonous in conversation. Please let me live my life according to my rules. I find myself waking up at all hours confused. The sheets wet with eye stains of the tears I’ve cried. Hours of confessions taped to this notebook and read aloud this microphone. Let it capture my every undying mood I feel right this very minute. So it’s this rainy day depression that brought me to these conclusions. I love you for you but you need to let me go or I am not going to make it.

Sat, 17 Sep 2005 02:50:20 GMT

Second place for second place minds. I am the one who is the runner up to you and I can't stand it anymore. I keep saying you are the last good thing about this part of town. The only good thought keeping my feet still but lately I have the urge to fled and leave this all behind. A year has gone by and we've been through it all. Never would I think this decision would hit me like a hurricane to the head. If I had the chance to get away for awhile for you to feel just what I do I would. But I wouldn't stoop like that. These words are keeping me afloat or atleast keeping me sane enough to answer the goddamn phone. I've tried every night to transform into a new skin, a new state of mind, but every mourning I awake in this same old skin. A little bit wiser of knowledge that I will never need. Loneliness isn't the same as being alone but it all sounds the same the tenth time through these ears and out those mouths. I have the same record playing that is on repeat in my head. These friends are new friends are golden. I am watching you from my second story bedroom window as you walk to your life. I am still wondering when your schedule will be conviently enough for me to see you again. My heart is on my sleeve, Wear it like a bruise or blackeye. My badge, my witness, means that I believed. Every single lie you said (and learned from the best). And The record played on but I am now at a loss for words. I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself and I know that I never can.

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 16:17:24 GMT

Miles of ocean separated us but that didn’t keep you from breaking every promise, every last one you made to me. I guess you do have a conscience but I would have rather you kept it to yourself and sank to the bottom alone. I was stupid enough to take your apology like it meant something. I hope the salt eats away at your skin and your left to the bones. Another game of kiss and tell, you think I would have learned. I waited too long for this end and now it’s wrapped around my head. Here’s to my run on sentences that will never be enough to convince myself you were never good enough for me. I took all your pictures and made a beautiful fire. Too bad the fuel wasn’t beautiful enough to keep it going all night.

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 04:46:09 GMT

Home is a place that never abandons its owner. Home will always be the one place on earth that will remain the same no matter what you try and do to it. Dress it up with its latest fashions, paint the walls and change every photo on the wall. To you it will always be y(our) home. Go across country and see the sights you’ve been dying too see out of books. Come home to that one place you know will be waiting for you the exact same way as you left it. The corner house where I grew up will be with me until I move to my final resting place. There is park within the distance where I first learned life’s troubles. I will always remember the squeaky swings and overcrowded population of ducks. The lake that was never quite clean enough for any use. The miles of road that seemed to interlace and leave us trapped in the maze for hours. The school is about a ten minute walk away where I first met you. The room that seemed so out of place is where I met you for the first time. The ditch is where we would crawl through at the weary hours of night hoping not to in cage in any fellow people hiding in the darkness. Everything here holds a firm place in my heart. When Its my time to leave just know no matter what you do, that little gray house on the corner of Cutler and Shirley will always be my home.

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 04:21:06 GMT

So there was this car crash where you went through the windshield. He wasn’t in any state to drive and he knows it. He got away with murder and he is laughing in all our faces. That windy October night is looking at us in the eyes and all the tears we cry won’t bring you back. The only memories I can scrape together aren’t enough to keep this story from ever ending. You had so much of a future you never got to live and I don’t know if I have the courage to live them for you. Years later your own flesh and blood was struck with news that nobody wanted to ever hear. News families swore would never strike their own flesh and blood. Your internal clock was sliced in two. The pieces were mixed and could never be fit back together. You passed sooner than anyone should ever. These words are all I have left to remember my own blood by. It’s a sin that I can only visit on by the way of the ocean and one by land. Your ashes sprinkled through the cold Atlantic, his body six feet under the world above. I promise I will live up to every expectation. I will keep this family from falling to pieces.

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 04:04:28 GMT

I am going away for awhile. When you’re lost come and look for me in the ghost town. Follow the ocean and the smell of the rotting fish. I’ve been gone two weeks and I am finally hearing the news. I am scanning every headline looking for your name. Fate was just an excuse not to fight. Your name is no where to be found in the obituaries. You and I are total opposites. I am not heaven sent so please take my soul with you and unleash it to the world. I am ready to see the afterlife. I’m staring into bright lights but that just leaves me dreaming with my eyes wide open. You and I are total opposites. Take these series of misleading events and add them together. Divide the prologue into the meat of the story to find the true details tagged to the binding of the story. When you’re lost come and look for me in the ghost town. That’s where I’ll be from now on.

Tue, 13 Sep 2005 00:02:46 GMT

So tell me, when your home alone do you think about me? Do I cross your mind as much as you trek through mine? I can't stand this time apart. Your always so busy I wonder if you've forgotton and moved on. Please tell me tonight you'll be home long enough to actually talk with me.

After some sarcastic remarks I knew it was love at first site. It wasn’t long before I made these moves that would lead to hips against hips, bare skin again skin. The first time I met you I was dressed under the influence of someone I wanted to be. Today I dress who I am because I am confident enough to know you like him.

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 22:24:49 GMT

A sweet autumn evening finally begins.
As the sun begins to set the scene.
And we watch as the sky has turned itself to dusk.

A dull winter night has finally drops.
As the snow covers and changes our routines.
And we watch as the sky has changed it's mind.

A cool spring morning has just begun.
The flowers have awoken with the sun.
And we watch as the sky took us for granted.

A warm summer's afternoon has just set.
We hear the kids playing out in the back.
And we watch as the sky looks like a giant explosion.

It was never quite the same without you.

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 02:54:16 GMT

I made a huge mistake and I know his is the only way I can get your full attention and that I won’t leave it all out. Again I was looking out for myself and not thinking of anything else. Sometimes I need to learn the door swings both ways. I really don’t think much about others as much as I should. I’m too caught up playing poor pitiful me that I forget about your feelings and go on digging myself a deeper ditch. Tonight my wrists were one good cry away from tearing myself to pieces. If only I had the guts to push down a little harder and actually play my hand. I wish I knew a way to look in the mirror and see a person who cares about others more than himself but some days that reflection seems so distant that I don’t deserve you at all.

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 23:34:52 GMT

peter shadow

my love

peter shadow

my voice

my clock is ticking

keeps me running

my not so social life

my words come from this

my life

what i see

how i run

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 22:19:43 GMT

It’s funny when your own reflection is afraid to look back at you. When each and every flaw is detailed and outlined and in caption it reads cut me here. We could have perfection behind some plastic scissors and some cheap dollar store needle and thread, but who needs that. Give or take some months is where I’m wishing I could be back at. I took a left turn at a right turn only sign and ended up here, lost and trying to retrace my steps. I drew the shortest straw from the bunch and now I guess I’m paying my price. I am a complete disaster to you and myself. Promises are meant to be kept, not just lies spelled differently. This time is different, I swear to you, and myself. I’ve got to get this under control before it gets anymore out of hand. You know how that might end up. Hello secret buddies/lovers I’ve got news that might keep you up tonight. I'm still losing what's left of my self esteem and then some. Maybe tonight when you call you might have some advice to fix me up because I am at an all time low. The doctor’s words won’t even have an effect on me now. My mental state is indescribable just like these pills are to my veins. Drain the answers from my unstable heart and let them tick away my secrets. Young hearts will forever be in your hand.

Wed, 07 Sep 2005 00:26:58 GMT

Meet me by the backend of the school. The place we’re I spilled my deepest secrets to you. I have a surprise and you know how bad I am at keeping secrets. Even when they are the biggest secrets we have. I miss you tons and I can’t stand not waking up to your face so often. Summer has gone and classes are in. I am left outside waiting for them to end. One day everything will be back to normal and I will be by your side and not be the one left out.

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 02:52:16 GMT

I’ve fallen face down into a formed legacy that leads to such demand. Take this upon consideration, lock on, aim and shot. A targeted phrase no strings attached. I apologize if this is taking you to the end of the highest building but if that’s what it takes to get this past your skin than I will take it this far. Even if we both fall nobody really wins. Will this guts verses guts stab in the back solve the problems you see everyday in the mirror? No! The alarm clocks ringing, today’s the day you promised everything will be different. Nice lie babe, Maybe I am just not that damn gullible. You need to learn to lie (down) better.

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 22:48:29 GMT

Waytansea Island

Tonight i'm going to take the long way home,
Cus I got alot on my chest to let you in on.
In between these dreams is a reality that I live,
That leaves me in stiches begging for you to forgive.
(To forgive me)

Tonight i'm going to take the short way home,
Cus you know how I cant stand to walk alone.
I'm still a mess hidden behind these painted eyes,
And too many trys to convince myself.

Of what hurts more than losing you,
Is your not fighting to keep me.

If they say a picture's worth a thousand words,
Then why am I left speechless.
If they say that actions speak louder than words,
Then why, just why is it silent.

I use to pretend I really knew myself,
But that was before this got out of hand.
Everything I tried to say somehow got messed up in my head,
And out came this.
This secret is on the table,
And i'd die for you to love me.
I'm just telling you to make me be,
Your best excuse.

If they say a picture's worth a thousand words,
Then why am I left speechless.
If they say that actions speak louder than words,
Then why, just why is it silent.

You wouldn't understand what I mean.
You wouldn't understand what I mean.
The antidote of trial and error,
To my intense rotten behavior.

If they say a picture's worth a thousand words,
Then why am I left speechless.
If they say that actions speak louder than words,
Then why, just why is it silent.

Tonight i'm going to take the short way home,
Hoping you'll be waiting by the phone.
The short way home,
Back where we belong.

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 03:51:41 GMT

When Dreams Become Reality

The grave stone is rusted,
Your name no longer clear.
Six years gone and it seems,
The past is what's left to bare.
Don't tell me everything,
Will be okay.
When you know the truth,
And today's not the day.

Oh' Oh' Oh'

I don't want your pictures in my mind anymore.
Where thoughts and your lies are being intertwined.
I see your digging your own grave and being laid to rest.
Cus you couldn't stand the idea of being second best.

Oh' Oh' Oh'

We spent all this time,
Looking for what we thought we really needed.
But what we really needed,
Was what we already had.
Ourselves.

Oh' Oh' Oh'

Sun, 04 Sep 2005 01:28:53 GMT

Reel them in with truthful sins until they bite and take us to sea,
Cut me loose of every fear that I refused to face and could not believe.
I saw the best of every constant attempt of him trying to impress you,
Morse coded messages that only someone with a conscience could pursue.

And all the echoed voices during the midsummers dinners,
Kept me awake dealing with each and every winner.
I met you at the bar for a cocktail and some laughs,
Found you later that night passed out your dress torn in half.

And you can't expect the truth from someone like me,
I'd think you'd be old enough to know that by now.

There aren't kids like us anymore, we are one of a kind,
Bend and fold to fit the puzzle carefuly aligned.
We walked through the streets of boston looking for the t,
What we found were troubled teenagers looking to flea.

And I finally convinced you to stay,
To stay in one place for just one minute longer.

Sat, 03 Sep 2005 01:50:59 GMT

Is it worth the fight to see who will come out on top? Over and over again we spin who will win this lucky roll. Should I trust you enough on your own? Can I believe you will be true to me even when my eyes aren’t on you? Your pictures in my head and I will leave it there all day today. It’s 6 am and it’s still keeping me up tonight. I think I’ve gone through enough and now it’s safe to say you are my element. This is all we need to make it. The thought of knowing you won’t leave me back. One man down and I’m still holding on.

Fri, 02 Sep 2005 23:41:32 GMT

Give This A Try

And when your looking so innocent,
Your loose lips leave me with loose morals.
Again tonight I've got my stomach knocking at my throat,
I know you'll never understand.

Your a bit logical, call this a coincedence
Call this anything you want.
You've got me leaving you at the doorstep.
Wondering if you'll ever make it in.

You've never been one to think for yourself,
But I know you've got the potential.
If you'd just give it a try,
Oh just give it a try for me.

Your a bit logical, call this a coincedence
Call this anything you want.
You've got me leaving you at the doorstep.
Wondering if you'll ever make it in.

These are my last words.
This is all I've got left to say.

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 22:39:25 GMT

I left in shambles, my heads spinning and I am cruising out of control. My thoughts littered in the park by the park bench where we sat and ate our first lunch together, under the oak tree where we had our first kiss. I even found them by the squeaky swings were I first knew I’d be with you forever. Help me; this note isn’t enough to make you understand that I might not always be sane enough for you to understand what I’m dealing with. This monster is after me and I need you to phone the doctor. Tell him I am down to the last capsule and I need more to go on. I keep calling and there’s no answer. I missed your goodbye from all the background noise and now it’s keeping me up tonight. Even when my head doesn’t make sense you will always be the one to decode me and understand.

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 19:19:52 GMT

Am I A Concrete Boy?

I'm up at dawn to watch you rise.
It's so hard to believe in things you doubt yourself.
I'll take this for how you left this.
A lie and nothing more.
I'll write my dreams between the lines.
Of I can't cope and I won't.
You say I'm such a headcase or maybe,
I'm just a sucker for ever chasing you.

Come on, come on and dream me up something better than me,
But not half as good as we could ever be.
I'm just a concrete boy with sick ideas,
But I've got nothing left to say that hasn't been said before.

Am I sick in the head or just sick of hearing this
I must admit I let you catch me again
But sometimes it's okay to get this shook up
Cus the silence is half of the fun

Come on, come on and dream me up something better than me,
But not half as good as we could ever be.
I'm just a concrete boy with sick ideas,
But I've got nothing left to say that hasn't been said before.

I'm just a boy with bright ideas hat never get me anywhere.
So just take jealousy thats wrapped around your throat,
And pull until you turn blue.

Wed, 31 Aug 2005 15:07:34 GMT

Wed, 31 Aug 2005 14:40:58 GMT

This throat is swelled beyond belief. This is no ordinary sickness. Am I sick in the head or just that sick. Death is on my side as I ease my head against this pillow. This cocktail of pills can’t even cure this. A fire engine red etched on my forehead. I have death on my side with an ocean blue of suffering to conquer. Let the sickness run its course. This cocktail of pills can’t even cure this. Through the calm to the eye of the storm I am a sinking sailor in his unsinkable ship. Leave me be I scream. This cocktail of pills can’t even cure this and neither can you.

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 22:54:11 GMT

Coming Winter 06'

Backseat Conversations
"Side Effect Lover"

Start: Rain/Thunderstorm
1.A Summer Love
End: Birds Chirping
2.Am I A Concrete Boy?
3.The Surgeon's Scars
4.The Tide By The Spill Canvas
5.Leave It Up To Me
6.Waytansea Island
7.Five Dollar Feelings (R.M.W.P.P.S.W.T.C.F.U)
8.When Dreams Become Reality
End: Telephone Ringing With Female Voice Answering.

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 20:18:33 GMT

Clean the wound with the freshest salt. You counted each grain as they sprinkled and filtered the bullet wound. I tried to stop you but look at where that left us. Watch as each drop of the brightest red slid down my chest and tainted the dullest looking rug; this wasn’t anything but a normal police scene. I hear you’re on first name basis with the man behind the trigger. Go on; let me in on your secret. I know you’ve been sneaking behind my back. The truth is I’ve known all along. I wanted to let you be the one to come clean but look at us now. I’m dying in the wrong girls arms. Rush me to the hospital and disable the IV. I’ll give this a shot on my own, my own battle. For once let me have my space to fight the hardest fight that we have to embrace, it’s called life. Can you hear the words I’m hushing over my own voice? The only thing I have to say is check my suit jacket pocket. I left you my obituary, hand written. I left everybody nothing because that is what I’ve become. Maybe I should pay this man for ending something I tried so long ago. This is the greatest of falls. This is the downhill battle to make something, to live for every day and to embrace it to the fullest. Nothing is over until you let yourself lose. All I know is I’m taking the blue line home from the hospital and I expect for you to be gone by morning.

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 17:53:35 GMT

I wrote this for a friend of mine when she was broken up with her boy.

The Future Tense

Just friends you said just wasn't enough,
Where the three stages of love have broken before me.
Lust took the toll and took the crown,
As the romantic spark began to die down.

On the night you claimed that it was over,
Thursday "this isn't working" over gin and ice.
Today we must go on our seperate ways,
And i'll hope the sun will guide you home by it's graceful rays.

When you know the difference between what is fact and fiction,
So let the guilt sink in deep into your veins.

When we look back and the memories kill
I remember smell of smoke and the first words spoke
Love is watching out for you.
And when we can't help but forget,
The nights that we spent,
Learning so much about ourselves,

When you know the difference between what is fact and fiction,
So let the guilt sink in deep into your veins.

We cant swim in the shadow for long,
When it wasn't made for us.
Just remember who you are and that's good enough.